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Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders

How to talk to someone with OCPD

How to talk to someone with OCPD

Postby caringfriend » Mon Nov 02, 2009 5:11 pm

I have been dating someone that told me she has OCD. After about 5 or 6 weeks I noticed a big difference in our relationship. She didn't want me to touch her and she definitely didn't want me to kiss her. I took it as though she saw something in me that she didn't like. But she was always asking me to come over. It seems like she wanted to be around me but didn't want to get to close. Well...one day while we were sitting on the couch I ask her what was wrong. She said, "Nothing". When I explained to her the difference I had noticed in her the last few weeks when we were close...she just froze. She finally said that it was the stress she had been under. Now 3 months have passed and after several deep discussions she has told me that she doesn't like to kiss or be touched. When I looked up information on the internet about OCD I happened to see OCPD beside it. So I clicked on it to see if there were any thing alike. When I read the symptoms for OCPD I was floored. It was her to a Tee. She only see's her family physician for her OCD. She doesn't take any meds. She smokes pot to relax her on the weekends. How can I help this person that I have fell in love with. How can I be a positive figure in her life? She is not the same person I fell in love with. If I could help her in anyway I would. Even if I had to leave the relationship. Please can someone give me some advice? JH
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Caring Friend

Postby StepMom » Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:07 pm

Are you SURE you're in love with this girl? How old are you? The reason I ask is that by getting more involved with a person who has OCPD, you're setting yourself up for a very bumpy ride. You say she's being treated for OCD by her family physician, but is not on any kind of meds. Then how can you say she is being treated? Doesn't sound like they're doing anything about it - in fact, it sounds like her situation has been misdiagnosed.

Have you brought up the topic of OCPD? Have you brought up the idea of her seeking some kind of counseling for her aversion to being touched?

I'm asking this because, since I live with someone who has OCPD, I know how difficult it is and how resistant s/he can be to ANY suggestion that therapy might be in order. There is nothing wrong with him/her, it's all YOU! In my case it's my stepson, but I don't think I would willingly choose to have a relationship with him if I didn't have to.

So if you're not willing to RUN, bring up the idea of her seeking medical help for the OCPD. I know that meds can help. Not sure if it's the total solution, and you may have to be willing to walk away in order to get her to agree to seek medical help.

Good luck!
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Reply to Stepmom

Postby caringfriend » Sun Nov 22, 2009 6:53 pm

Thank you Stepmom for asking about my situation. Since the last time I've posted, a lot has transpired. To answer your first question, yes I do love her. I am 49 years old. She told me before that the only one that had ever treated her for OCD was her family physician. She has been off her meds for about a year. Sorry for not stating that a little clearer before. I do think her condition has been partially misdiagnosed. I believe she has both, OCD, and OCPD. From what I've read you can have both. One thing that I did not say earlier was that her twin sister suffers from OCD and her younger sister suffers from OCD. I did tell her that I had accidentally came across the OCPD article while reading about OCD. And I asked if I had misunderstood. She was furious. I was being completely honest when I told her that I found it by accident but that when I read the symptoms that is when I felt like I had misunderstood which one she had told me. That did not make any difference to her, she was still mad. After she calmed down I asked her if she would have ever told anyone before they ever went out on a date that she didn't like anyone to touch her or kiss her and she said no, that she would have never told me that to begin with. She was crying when she told me this. I felt like I had to be perfectly honest with her by telling her that I would have never went out with her to begin with if she had told me that. I tried to reassure her that I love her and cared about her and her daughter. I told her that I wished we could go back and recapture what we had the first month and a half. I suggested that "we both" go and find someone who could help us sort this out. That I loved her enough to go get help. She said she wanted some time to think about it and she would call me. I received an email last Friday saying that she was perfectly comfortable 100% with how she is. That she didn't understand why people would have to show others affection or be able to talk about it. She said I was trying to change her. I might have went about it the wrong way but I truly had her best interest at heart. I still love her and I know without a doubt I will always miss her. I tried to call but she want answer her phone. I left several messages trying to get her to talk to me. I hate that it has ended like this. It has been very hard. I'm hoping one day she will look back and realize what has happened and seek some help. If by any chance I have planted a seed of doubt in her head, maybe later on even after another failed relationship she will seek help. That would really make me feel good. She has a wonderful daughter that really needs her love. Maybe that will be the turning point. I felt like I did the right thing. You know, looking back you always second guess yourself. One of the hard things about all this is that she works at the place where I swim each day after work. I swim for the knee problems I have and its the only pool in 50 miles ! I have to go, I'm just going to have to find a way to cope with all this. Like I said I still love her and I know it would be a bumpy road but when you care about someone enough you will try to help. I do realize that if they want except help you have to turn away. They'll only do it when there ready. Thank you for your response and I wish you the best. Thanks also for the support, its very well appreciated. JH
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Re: How to talk to someone with OCPD

Postby AloneInACrowd » Sat Feb 26, 2011 10:40 am

This may sound awful, but if you are dating someone that clearly wracks up positive on the OCPD symptom list, my advice is RUN. and I mean till you lungs burn!

I have been living with a woman with these traits for years and after 10 years or so of being characterized as a total monster, it finally dawned on me that ..."Hey, I'm not!"

All that matters to her is being right and being blameless.

Someone asked a question about perfection and a household that looks like an episode of Hoarders....OCPD is all about this trait. The perfectionism leads to an inability to delegate or complete anything. Our household is a total dump. We've not had a visitor in years.

She throws me out of the house on a regular basis because I am such a b**tard, she maintains....then soon she is calling to look for help that she dismisses as BS as soon as it's off my lips.

One trait that I do not see mentioned often is the ritualistic repeating of "the proper answers" to her questions or issues. Over and over....

I married her for better or for worse and I'm getting the latter big time and trying to compartment my life so that I can stand it.

Here is the irony.....were we to divorce, I'm convinced I'd have to arrange for and expedite her side of it!
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