Mental Disorders

[tauneutrino]

Since I was around ten years old I have had compulsive desires to be severely disabled, most often a quadriplegic or a person with severe myopia who is borderline blind. Throughout my teens I would try to fake eye exams, fake deafness, fake paresis (partial paralysis) with strangers but not with medical personel. In fact in my first 30 years or so I rarely visited a doctor. At age 22 I finally was prescribed eyeglasses. I was so elated but with that elation came a tremendous guilt. In the past 20 years or so I have rented wheelchairs, obtained strong eyeglasses and offsetting Rx contact lenses, obtained orthopedic leg braces, attempted to break my arm, and twice attempted to break my back in order to damage the spinal cord. Only the attempted broken arm resulted in a hospital visit for a deep contusion to the forearm.

By 2003 I was showing obvious symtoms of clinical depression. Prior to this I had been dysthymic. In addition, Seasonal Affected Disorder became a problem. Thanks to good health insurance I entered into psychotherapy at a prestigeous local hospital (aren't all hospitals prestigeous???). Prior to this I was placed on Lexapro by my general practioneer. This, to my amazement, eliminated the strong desire to be nearsighted. I threw away my collection of glasses and contact lenses right into the trash. During psychotherapy I traced back to a very difficult childhood repleat with a histrionic mother, a weak father, being an 'accident' which forced my parent's teenage marriage, continual arguing, a very catastrophic separation et al. I can pinpoint, as I mentioned above, my beginnings in fantasizing being disabled. The more I attended psychotherapy the clearer my childhood became and the causal links between it and my current mindset became clear.

Now, I did not have a catharis during psychotherapy. It just forced me to investiagte the obvious and reach logical conclusions. For instance my parents' anniversary was in April and my birthday is in October. That's a delta of six months... duh.. Psychotherapy did not reduce my desire to be disabled. It was during therapy that I attempted to break my arm then my back. I also succeeded in inducing a real disability, severe hearing loss which now causes me to where hearing aids. As with the first pair of eyeglasses I was thrilled to get my first pair of hearing aids.

Now I'm intelligent. I qualify for Mensa should I ever get around to taking the official entrance test. I have both bachelors and masters degrees and work in the high tech field. The reason for this post is to correspond, if only for a little while, with others that have this fastitious disorder. I know I have it. I know what it is. And some day I may act on it successfully by breaking my neck or back. But therapuetically, it would be interesting to find out what others have experienced. There is much more to my upbringing that was lousy and I refrained from writing about it here in the interest of brevity. So please, think about your own experiences and post a reply.

Thanks

[kallisti]

Beginning when I was a child of about eight, I would frequently fake a limp. I also remember telling my school nurse that I had gone blind during recess, resulting in my parents rushing to the school to pick me up and take me to the eye doctor. I even faked a side ache for so long that my family doctor removed my appendix! I remember hearing a doctor tell my parents, "sometimes symptoms like these can be fantasized..."

I could fake an ailment, but what I couldn't do was tell anyone what was really wrong...I was in a lot of emotional pain from childhood abuse and had no idea how to get help. (Incedentally, I was also an "accident" with only 30 days between my parents marriage and my birth - which was shocking at the time) Eventually I learned how to get help. I guess I am writing because I had never heard of another person with such similar experience - in fact, I had not thought of it really since childhood.

Anyhow - I hope you find peace.

[spikegomez]

I really like your post, you've got me, hope i can help you...