Mental Disorders

[Dannytheinsane]

I have been diagnosed with OCD and major depression. Now lately I have had some awful experiences when I get this wonderful high. I have been getting this high for many years, I just havn't noticed it until now.

I started eating lunch with fellow workers, normally I sit alone and eat in my car regardless of the weather. I joined these co workers and was getting that high, that feeling good feeling. The one in which I find myself so witty, funny, and flirtatous. Then I confided some awful things about my past with these workers.

They stopped talking to me, they now treat me differently. And I went into a major depression afterwards. My doctor changed some of my medicine and after several weeks I found myself no longer in the darkest depression I have experienced in a long time.

Looking back I realized that many times I have felt real good then alienated all the people around me. That is proable why I do things alone for many years.

[Dannytheinsane]

Today I am so very depressed. I can't take it anymore. Living like this is hell. I see my dang HMO therapist in a couple of days but that is so far away.

I have been on a major depression ever since I made a big time ass of myself at work. (6 weeks now, I think.) After I alienated everyone with my higher than thou talking. Work isn't the same. I do better if I keep myself locked up so I can't talk to anyone and make a fool of myself. No more group lunches.

Do I want to go to a hospital (looney bin) for the first time? Heck no! I would rather sit here at home, eat food, watch TV in a catonic state and listen to my wife talk for endless hours. Who knows what she says? I glad there isn't a test after her conversations.

Maybe I will suck the big bullet? Problem is my only big bullet here is a BB or a Pellet. Don't think that is going to work.

Clean and Sober, battlecry of the addict is "Fuck It!" Maybe I can just down all my wifes medicine, that is a nice thought.

[Dannytheinsane]

I love the wonderful switch of medicines, providing the new ones work. When I first used medicine they worked for a long time. Over the years meds lasted shorter and shorter. Lately, they last maybe 6 months. I am not sure what happens when I've used up all the meds available. It is a worry I wonder about.

Today, I am almost manic, not quite, but almost. I love being high when I switch medicine. Not the high of being stoned. The high of feeling on top of the world, of thinking I am funny, sexy (even if I am obese), witty and charming. Able to talk to other people. This happens when I switch my medicines sometimes, lately not very often.

[sure]

Well, from your history taking notes I gather life could be a little bit better to you, also you seem to put more into it than you're getting out...
The people you work with, are they part of your life's goal and plan, you've got a lot more on the ball than most so you probably need an objective, not a delusion of one but a goal that will stand the tests of time in say ten years.... The people at work, they don't matter when it comes to what you are, you need direction and you'll probably have it figured out by the time you finish reading this session.... Since when do other people live your life with you, there's you, and the rest of the world.
As for your wife, could it be you've spread yourself a little bit thin with all the deversions of the state you're in... . What counts to you as far as you go, never mind the other guy 'till you're behind you instead of at you? Just a thought.

[Dannytheinsane]

Thanks for the input.

Danny