Mental Disorders

katelyn · Joined: 05 Dec 2006 Posts: 1

My boyfriend and I have had a very rocky relationship involving infidelity, lies, verbal and mental (and some physical) abuse. Most of it was pretty much inflicted on me but I did give back and react as well.

I also always took the blame and would come crawling back to him against my better judgement. Except I found I was now carrying around a rage problem due to the abuse. It was fear based. Every time I felt scared of how he may hurt me (mentally), I used rage as a defense mechanism. It sedated my fears quite nicely.
I have finally, through many hours of effort, kicked my rage problem, and my relationship with my bf is flourishing as a result. He has changed as well, opened up, and treats me lovely. It's been great for probably about 6 months.

Recently, I have found myself very indignant towards him again. I do not burn with rage but I just want to shove in his face that I am not that little puppy dog that I was, allowing him to treat me the way he did. I do realize it wasn't all HIS fault and that I did alot of damage too but for the most part it was all in reaction to the problems he was having at the time.

My question is: If I feel I have solved the anger and unforgiveness of how he treated me - and everything has been going GREAT... why this sudden indignation? Sometimes I fantasize about situations that occurred in the past and imagine myself kicking him to the curb instead of crawling back to him.
I might add that recently he did message the one girl that did the most damage to our relationship 2 yrs ago. He did it simply because we got into an arguement. He did admit to it and he openly took care of it.

I feel I must have unresolved issues but I can not afford therapy. Does anyone here understand why I might be regressing? Is it because he messaged her again? And if so, how do I get rid of this resentment? We finally have a real shot at happiness and I am ruining it.

seamusm · Joined: 23 Dec 2006 Posts: 2 Location: Essex, UK

Hello there,
I suspect that your problems are not with your bf but you already know that?

What events in your past are now the basis of your present issues?
At some point in your past you were made to feel that you don't have control and that was ingrained or programmed in you when these events
took place. It was these "techniques" that allowed the environment to exist and whic are still causing you these confusions today.

Until you resolve them, face them head on and relive them, you won't be truly free, and you will not be able to enjoy your bf company either.
I'm afraid you that there is no short and cheap way for you to do this, unless you can get your boyfriend to learn Psychology and be around as long as i have... Smile

Kind regards

Pata217 · Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 1

I don't know where you are located, but there are mental health clinics, women's shelters and churches that offer counseling services for free. You can easily look these up on the internet or in the phone book. Using this site, I'm sure you know that. 'When you truly want to get help THEN you will seek the help you need.

jollyjack67 · Joined: 23 Jan 2007 Posts: 1

Christian counseling might be your best bet. This way you solve two problems at once. You will get decent spiritual guidance as well as somebody you can trust to vent your feeling to in a healthy way. Prayer is a great tool to seek help that no manmade science can compare against. Love and forgiveness are powerful, much more powerful than psychological medicines.